What constitutes a queer couple?

Queer is an ambiguous term that can be used to describe an identity/ action that challenges heteronormativity and cis-normativity.

According to Kathy Cohen, queerness is intersectional. And we should see queerness as more than something that applies to solely race and gender. Heteronormativity and cis-normativity, the promotion of heterosexuality and cis-gender identities as the norm, are rooted in racism, colonization, and classism. Therefore, marginalized identities such as being Brown/Black, being a single mother, being low-income, being a sex worker also challenge these normativities. Thinking about how queerness can exist in other ways does not take away from the specific struggle of LGBT individuals, but allows us to empathize with other communities who experience oppression from our oppressors.

In conversation with my friend Genevieve, she brought up how queerness exists in relationships and how people can love “queerly.“ My professor of LGBTQ studies, Liz, also teaches something similar: we can resist heteronormativity by “queering“ institutions like love, family, friendship. Queering something can mean challenging the social norms associated with it and opting for more imaginative ways of being. The main thing I am learning right now : queerness is not just how we identify, it is how we exist. (how we love, communicate, express ourselves, educate, and teach)

Someone I know criticized the photo I used for the casting call of this project. From her perspective, the photo looked like it was depicting a “heterosexual couple“ and this, as she pointed out, is a project centering queerness/ queer love. I responded by telling her:

“I like that this photo will challenge people‘s heteronormative assumptions. I like that this photo will make people rethink how many appearance-based/ biphobic/panphobic/transphobic/ shallow standards we place on queerness.”

Because she perceived two people who were of the opposite sex, she made assumptions about their identities and the way they moved through the world, stating that their privilege as a “heterosexual-passing“ couple disqualified them as a good fit for the photo. I chose the photo because I knew that one of the people in the relationship was bisexual. Sometimes bisexual people who are in a romantic opposite-sex relationship are invisible to our community. I also chose the picture knowing that the couple was interracial (Mexican/ Filipinx) and these communities have animosity towards each other. I felt like their photo deserved to occupy space-not to take space from same-sex queer relationships, but to occupy space for bisexual/ biracial couples.

If we are “queering” the way we see relationships, we can question our heteronormative/ color-blind assumptions. We can start dialogues with each other. and ask thoughtful questions to investigate each others’ privileges. Instead of automatically seeing a “heterosexual couple“, we can take a step back and ask ourselves some questions:

Could there be more than I am currently perceiving?

What assumptions am I making that I don’t have any evidence of?

Is there a question I can ask respectfully that will clear up any confusion I may have?

This is a good practice to have whenever we feel compelled to react immediately. Pausing, breathing, analyzing before responding can produce a more constructive, more empathetic conversation.

Back to the definition of queer. I believe that it should stay ambiguous and I think that we should be free to define it in our own way. This means that there are going to be many different answers to: What constitutes a queer couple? To me, a queer couple is when at least 1 person in a romantic relationship is non-straight/closeted/ does not use a label for their sexuality/identifies as LGBTQIA+/identifies outside of the bounds set by western perceptions of sexuality and gender/ or is still figuring out who they are (a very fluid, life-long process). I think that if 1 person in the relationship fits this description, then the relationship will function “queerly“ in some aspects, possibly by challenging gender norms within relationships, by challenging “girlfriend/ boyfriend“/ binary language, challenging normalized sex practices, or by deconstructing what we are conditioned to believe is love and creating our own version of love.